update

I've just realised I haven't done any posts since July...!

The internet is littered with not-updated blogs, and then apologies for not updating them, so I'm not going there.

BUT - click here to check out two Vision classics (my old band) plus my recent recording 'Hard Working Man'. Enjoy - and as ever comments are appreciated.

And I'll be back. Sometime this century.

Pretty Green

You may have noticed, but the music industry is in turmoil. An entire economy based on flogging little disks with sounds on them (and previous to that big disks with sounds on them) has been on the ropes for years - basically since that Napster geezer realised that you can get music off that internet thingy.

But surely we are now viewing it's death throes.

So it doesn't affect me and you - we can continue getting whatever music we want whenever we want - and we don't even have to pay for it! However spare a thought for those poor rock stars. If we aren't buying their cd's how will they afford their guitar shaped pools and cocaine habits?

Well the majority of them are having to go out there and tour. Good! Earn your money for a living! But as well as this some are turning to other means - such as Alex James' cheese farm and Alex Kapranos restaurant reviews.

But we have recently seen the unveiling of what will be surely the most successful of them all - Liam Gallagher, Rock'n'roll frontman and professional hell raiser has reinvented himself as the next Jean Paul Gaultier. Not quite.

With Oasis music they were always said to wear their influences 'on their sleeves' - well in this venture this is almost literally the case. His label is called 'Pretty Green' - a song by The Jam. The logo is a rip off of the Rubber Soul logo - an album by The Beatles. And as Liam professes his love for John Lennon's solo work - his clothing range is about as inspiring as "John and Yoko" from The Wedding Album.



With this video -




Liam was making all the right noises - but why haven't they followed it through?

The full line is available here and just to point out - I haven't seen them in person, so can't comment on quality. But based on the pictures, it looks rubbish.

However involved in the design Liam was, it's just shocking the line is so basic. There is literally the following -

Parka - the most basic Parka you have ever seen. £245.
Polo shirt - your sub standard design you would get from George @ Asda - but with the PG logo on it.
T-Shirt/ Knitwear/ Jacket - as above.
Hat - 'Reni' hat. Went out of fashion around the same time as Ocean Colour Scene. No reason why this timid rehash will change that.
Scarves - worst of the lot. They don't look too bad - but have a massive PG logo on them, instantly making them look like a piece of crappy band merchandise you would get from a stall, rather than a smart piece of evening wear.

But - they are guaranteed to sell by the bucket load because millions of us love Oasis - and most of them worship Liam as an icon. Lest we forget the impact the Gallagher's had on popular culture -



so if you are seeing Oasis on their current tour expect to see reams of lads showing how individual they are by rocking exactly the same look, with the same 2 or 3 PG items.

Glastonbury 2009

*Disclaimer – I’m not there. I’m basing this on watching the TV coverage.*

Glasto has changed, as music as changed. Glasto was always diverse around the fringes, but the majority of the main stages were made up of young guitar based indie bands, pre and post first album. That’s what festivals were – and the crowds were mainly pasty teenage boys coughing their guts up after their first spliff and older geezers still trying to stay down with the kids with the outside hope that they might cop off with one. Whereas it feels like over the years the line ups as well as the audiences have got much more diverse, with a much wider range of ages and most noticeably far more women – and not just your regular festival goer type indie chicks, but your regular pop fans too. And the line up at the festival has definitely changed to accommodate that. And why not? What’s the alternative? The View headlining the Pyramid stage? Give me Lily Allen any day.

So where are all the “skinny white boys with guitars”? The issue is that the main musical scenes of the last few years have been (1.) in the wake of Winehouse the growth of a new wave of respected female artists who write and play but are happy to combine it with high levels of glamour and show-womanship. And (2.) after Franz Ferdinand made it ok to make guitar music with a groove again, we have seen so many bands mix indie with dance beats, but while Franz were very much an indie band first and foremost, it feels like most of the newer groups seem to be shuffling further and further into the disco, to the extent now that it is very rare to see a straightforward 4 or 5 piece indie guitar band without some form of electro stylings. It is as if Vince Noir has become the government’s new music tsar and has to personally sign off any new acts with silver eyeliner pencil. Once again – nothing specifically wrong with that if the music is good.

Friendly Fires definitely fit into that category. Their live performance was great – for me preferable to their rather more synthetic sounding recordings - especially Skeleton Boy with fantastic brass defining a much more organic sound. Singer Ed Macfarlane’s dancing was rather erratic, but his vocals conveyed the truth and emotion of lyrics extremely well, especially on Paris (“I promise… I promise”) It was really interesting to see they were able to generate a massive sing along – it is only seeing something like that that you realise that these bands that don’t get much national exposure, without mainstream TV appearances (no TOTP, no Saturday morning CDUK type shows) and with minimal chart-troubling action, still everyone knows the words. However even though the album only got to 37 in the charts, and Paris the single didn’t even chart, the video has had over 735,000 views on YouTube, so people are into it but in a much more private way. And now more than ever festivals are the communal experience where people can meet the like minded. It’s always special to hear songs that you loved privately sung by so many.

http://www.asongformalta.blogspot.com ...

... is my new blog devoted solely to my surely doomed attempt to represent Malta in next year's Eurovision song contest. For the latest on that go over there, or go via my profile page.

But I will not be deserting this page, dear reader, as I still have plenty more to say on non-eurovision quest themes. Next topic - my reaction to a very disturbing episode of Tom & Jerry which raises some very pertinent questions about life, death and religious education through popular culture. Watch this space.

I'm not even joking...

A Song for Malta

Watching Eurovision last night (yes that's right. I was watching Eurovision. Wanna make something of it?) I was surprised as I always am at the shocking quality of the English lyrics. A constant barrage of cliche and mixed metaphor, half arsed paens to peace and coming together across europe, or dreadful love songs. Is this the best that our European comrades can come up with when they adopt the English language?

Then watching Malta's entry - actually a pretty good number sung by a... how can I put this? A well rounded performer, the Moyet-like Chiara - I expressed my feelings about the poor quality of the English. They are -

Words of wisdom, prophets and quotes
Wise men talking, tales from the old
I reach for the stars, wherever they are, in darkness
We’re lost, fading away

What if we could be free?
Mystify our wisdom in time
and one day we’ll see
What if we found the key?
Throw the dice, unravel our lies
and learn how to be

All the madness feeding our soul
Take a wild guess out of control
There will be a star, no matter how far, shining
One day we’ll sail away

What if we could be free?
Mystify our wisdom in time
and one day we’ll see
What if we found the key?
Throw the dice, unravel our lies
and learn how to be

If you don’t know your destination
Who determines your destiny?

What if we could be free?
Mystify our wisdom in time
and one day we’ll see
What if we found the key?
Throw the dice, unravel our lies
and learn how to be

I know - what a load of rubbish.

Here's the tune -



I foolishly remarked to the gathered few (i'd like to point out - it wasn't a Eurovision party, jut a few people drinking wine and watching Eurovision. Totally different) how the lyrics just weren't good enough - at which point I was challenged "I'd like to see you write a better song in Maltese"
To which I replied - "I could - and I will!" So I am now commited to writing a song, in Maltese, of a quality higher than that produced by professional writers and musicians. Albeit professional writers and musicians - from Malta.

As well as this as a fan of the Tony Hawks/ Danny Wallace/ Dave Gorman 'challenge' novel genre I couldn't just leave it at that. What's the point in just writing a song, and playing it to a few people I know? How can I judge whether or not it is better than "What if we"?

The only way to know for sure is to -

1. To get my song (when written) selected to represent the Republic of Malta in Eurovison 2010
2. Achieve more than the 31 points/ 22nd place achieved by Chiara.

To achieve this I need to overcome some baoundaries -

1. Unlike comedian/ writers Messers Wallace, Hawks and Gorman - I've got a full time job.
2. I don't speak any Maltese, have never been to Malta, and don't know anyone from Malta
3. I'm not a particularly good song writer - i've written a handful in my life, none of which have ever been particuarly good. My main issue is that other than being able to just about hold a tune and play approximately 7 chords on the guitar I have no musical talent whatsoever.

So here we go then... come along for the ride. Who knows? It might end up being made into a Hollywood film starring Jim Carrey.

Ha jkolli mmur - Ghandi bzonn nipprattika l-Malti!

Expenses

Storm the gates!

If the continued assault on civil liberties, illegal wars and keeping one sixth of the world in abject poverty wasn't enough, we've just found out that MP's maximised their expenses allowances! Up against the wall - no last requests, unless it's to publicly beat yourselves to death live on TV first, please.

Let me get this straight - I am in no way defending what MP's are doing, but I'd like to point out something that I haven't seen mentioned in the acres and hours of relentless media coverage of every moat cleaned and every massage chair purchased. And that is that MP's are higher rate tax payers. They earn £60k plus from their main job, plus most of them receive further income from media work, or having 'advisory' positions with corporations. These guys earn a few quid. Now, anyone that is a higher rate taxpayer should really have a financial adviser and an accountant - which I imagine MP's all do. The job of a financial adviser and an accountant is to help their client get more money, and to help them avoid paying tax. That's what they do. If they didn't they'd be pretty rubbish at their jobs.

I just wonder how much these MP's - with their aides, secretaries, support staff - some of which are occasionally family members - actually get involved? I can't see them poring over the 'Second Home Expenses' policy documents of an evening, glass of pinot in one hand and Flymo Easimo Electric Lawnmower receipt in the other, deciding whether or not it is a legitimate claim. Let's face it - it's a case of 1. How much is the allowance? 2. Can I get away with it?

Obviously as part of their oath they pledge to be honourable and do what's best for the country, and not try to milk the system, but the reality is if you can get away with claiming on expenses for something then most people would do it! I wonder if we will continue now to look into all the other civil servants and what claims they are making? I'm sure top bods in all public sectors will be just as bad as the MP's, if not worse.

I suppose the reason MP's are being held more to task is that they are in essence supposed to be "honourable". However, does anyone actually believe there is a shred of honour left? That these are moral crusaders, selflessly fighting for the rights of the people? No. They are self serving and looking to maximise their income, if it's 'within the rules', which most of the time it is - because guess who wrote and administers the rules. MP's themselves.

So now Gordon Brown introduces a new system of expenses that should be fairer and less easy to swindle - however the horse has not just bolted, it has Usain Bolted, and will never be seen again. Plus the apologies are so half arsed. Brown apologising for MP's actions over the last 'few days'... What about the last however many years? Plus the constant denial of responsibility, desperately clinging to the fact that what they were doing was 'in the rules' or that they made honest mistakes... oh yeah, I accidentally forgot that my mortgage was paid off 18 months ago, and accidentally kept claiming for it for that whole time...

There's two possibilities here - either the MP's are all money grabbing scumbags who are maximising every penny they can get... OR they are astronomically stupid and can't even fill out an expenses form properly. I'd personally rather it was the former! These people are supposed to be running the country and they can't even remember where they live!!?

Why can't they just be honest? I would have so much more respect for someone who said "I have an accountant who I use to maximise my income. If they advise me that by flipping homes or claiming expenses to have tennis courts built then I'll bloody well 'ave it!" Rather than "Well, I was living with my mum in a shed out the back while my 3 bedroom penthouse flat in Mayfair was being decorated by Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen in Rococo style. I then moved out, then moved in with my sister and sold that flat to only make a paltry £100k profit then moved back in with my mum again... blah blah blah but it was all within the rules"

SOLUTION - the best solution I've heard was from my wife, though I'm not sure where she heard it. Just stick them up in halls of residence! All they need is somewhere to sleep and work while they are in Westminster. Surely the house of commons has got a few rooms that could be converted into student-style flats? Many of them seem to spend the majority of their time conducting sordid affairs with secretaries in their offices anyway...

Problem solved.

However the real concern here is that the longer this furore continues the greater the disillusionment of the public in our parliamentary representatives continues to grow, and it could mean the minority parties such as UKIP and the BNP reap benefits from disenfranchised, normally mainstream voters. As much fun as it is to paint MP's as pantomime villains to be booed and hissed we actually do need these centrist parties to carry on governing, otherwise the people could turn to a minority party on a simple honesty policy, which could lead to terrible future consequences.

So lets enjoy giving the greedy b****rds a good kicking for a few more days, have a good laugh at their pathetic excuses, then lets get back to the process of actually trying to make this country and the wider world a better place.

The Boat That Rocked

What would cinema be without music?

From live piano played along to early silent movies through to the present day, film is nothing without music to drive our emotions. What would Jaws be without the foreboding John Williams score? What would Saturday Night Fever have been if John Travolta had been jerking around in a silent discotheque? He would've been locked up.

And as we all know the best period for music ever was the mid 1960's.

So a film like 'The Boat That Rocked' - set in 1966/67 in the hedonistic rock'n'roll riot of pirate radio should blow you away, and leave you dancing out the cinema. Unfortunately, however, it's written and directed by Richard Curtis - a man about as rock and roll as an inland revenue return. So although all the constituent parts are there (great cast, great setting, great tunes) it just doesn't work.



If you didn't know, Richard Curtis is the man behind Hugh Grant mumble-fests Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill and Love Actually. And this time without Grant 'onboard', his position of floppy haired mumbling prick goes to Tom Sturridge. We also have Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a loud mouthed hard rocking American DJ (Jack Black must have been too expensive), Rhys Ifans strutting around like Liam Gallagher with a dodgy cockney accent, Nick Frost of Shaun of the Dead/ Hot Fuzz fame who appears to have wandered in from a carry on film, Bill Nighy playing the same role he played in Love Actually, and Rhys Darby (Murray from Flight of the Conchords) playing... Murray from Flight of the Conchords.

Although it's set in 1966, you never actually feel like this is a true period piece - it just feels like being set now but some of the characters like 60's clothes... and although it is specifically '66 (geek point) some of the music played is from later than this, and one of the characters is an ageing hippy (Bob, played by Ralph Brown flogging the same ageing hippy role he played in Withnail & I and Wayne's World 2) whereas surely in 1966 you didn't particularly have many ageing hippies? Anyway...

The main issue of the film is there isn't particularly much of a story. Ostensibly it should be a battle of wits between Kenneth Branagh as a government minister (who's character is undermined by shouting 'twatt' at his assistant the whole way through - Richard Curtis really cares about the environment, recycling 20 year old jokes from Blackadder) trying to shut them down, and Bill Nighy and the boys on the boat outsmarting them, which we get a bit of but not enough to actually make you care. Maybe a few phone calls between Nighy and Branagh mightn't have gone a miss.

Also conflict is set up between Hoffman and Ifans' characters, but it never really comes to anything, and seems pointless. Curtis has never really done 'conflict'.

So much of the film is just the cast larking about on the boat, which should seem like fun, but generally feels quite contrived. And as for the 'saucy' antics when groupies arrive - there is one unsavoury scene where Nick Frost tries to swap places with Tom Sturridge's sexually inexperienced character, so the virgin can pop his cherry with the underused Gemma Arterton. This is supposed to be saucy silly hijinks, but in reality it would be rape. Not particularly funny.

But back to the music. When a film is made by a true music aficionado, it can enhance and add to the atmosphere, to the extent of practically becoming a character in the film. Check out Cameron Crowe's back catalogue - the use of Radiohead and Sigur Ros in Vanilla Sky, Tom Cruise singing Tom Petty in Jerry Maguire and the whole of Almost Famous. What Crowe does so well is let the music breathe. When the cast sing Elton John's Tiny Dancer in Almost Famous, it's magic...


Whereas on the boat we get lots of short sharp blasts of music, but never enough to truly appreciate the song or for it to actually enhance the scene or shed some light on the characters. Instead we get quick flashes to see whats going on on the mainland, where stereotype 60's characters are dancing around their radio's and having a great time. It's like Curtis is saying "this how you should be feeling... like canned laughter on a bad sitcom, it doesn't pull you along, but it emphasisesthe fact that you're not enjoying it that much.

Plus at the end of the film over the credits it shows an iPod cover-flow style slide show of album covers from the last 40 years, to point out that music is good(?) which just seems a bit pointless, and text on the screen saying how great it is that there are now '299 radio stations in the UK playing rock and pop 24 hours a day' - OK, good point that it's better having rock and pop radio available than how things were in '66, but of those 299 how many are rubbish commercial radio stations playing round-the-clock Dido and Maroon 5? And has Mr Curtis not heard of THE INTERNET? Spotify? iTunes? youtube? Napster? If the point is the availability of music, then the radio ship has sailed.

Don't get me wrong, there are some funny moments, and the climax is dramatic, but it's a case of what could have been in the hands of a better filmmaker.